It’s been a minute since I’ve written anything on here, and I honestly miss it so much! It’s such a therapeutic practice for me but I’ve been brain-dead from overworking that my writing wheels have been left with no juice to churn on. My schedule has been kind of insane since the new year began, which I’m super super super thankful for but I haven’t had much time to myself or my other endeavors that I passionately care for. I also can’t believe that it’s already June! Where did the time go, and can it please pause just for a moment? Nonetheless, I’m happy I finally have a proper moment to myself where I can breathe and be fully present, so that I can reflect on all the happenings of 2019 thus far. As I rewound and somewhat planned manifestations for the future, it dawned on me that it was my 1st rebirthday back in February! I honestly can’t remember the exact day, but February was the true start of my medical transition into my femme queen goddexx form. How could I forget!? How rude of the NYC high living expenses and capitalist system distract me from my personal feats!
One year! Well, one year and a half ago-ish… I finally took the life-changing leap to start hormones after years of doubts, dismantling, uncertainties, and denial. Looking back, It was 100,000% the best decision I’ve ever made. It’s strange because it feels like it’s been much longer since I’ve started, all due to the amount of change that has taken place in various aspects of my life during this short period of time. Of course, my life is still far from perfect and I’m still climbing the many life obstacles as a queer trans Asian person in this world, but I can truly say I’m a lot happier than I was a year ago.
Here I want to share with you all (well, to those who made it this far into the post) and document the major changes I have experienced so far in regards to my personal evolution since I’ve started taking the magical pill Estradiol—estrogen, for the unaware.
- First, my body’s fat distribution has changed and it’s now starting to fill out in a more feminine manner. I’m noticing more hips, slightly fuller thighs, fuller cheeks (butt and face!), and of course, my developing non-binary breasts. Overall I’ve gained about 10 pounds, and to be honest, I feel fabulous! I’m living for my “curvier” body! Major lol because I know most people may not notice it, but I certainly do. To be able to see even just the slightest s-curve on my hips and waist means the absolute world to me. Also, as I walk up and down the stairs I can feel my chest bounce and it makes me feel so fish, even though I’m definitely part of the itty bitty titty committee. I think I may even need a bra now!
- Second, I’ve lost muscle mass and strength, which is more than fine by me. It allows me to temporarily enslave the patriarchy to do my dirty work. Plus, the decrease in muscle mass and tone has softened my exterior and given me a more feminine appearance. A win-win situation for me!
- Third, I finally changed my name, though I still haven’t legally changed it as I wait to complete certain annoying-unfortunate-mandatory adult responsibilities. I will talk more about my name change later down the line, once I have the time.
- Fourth, My libido isn’t as high anymore. So I basically don’t get as horny, which sometimes makes me feel a little dead inside but at least it keeps me away from distracting and toxic fuckboys that do not deserve an ounce of my attention. No one shall get in the way of me conquering my empire!
- Fifth, I’ve dyed my hair pink (major thanks to my mom)! I’ve been growing my hair out so I could have it cut into a style I’ve wanted, and I now almost look like the Final Fantasy/anime/video game character of my dreams! If only I naturally grew pink hair, life would be so much easier.
- Sixth, I started laser hair removal. It’s only on my face so far, and it honestly has made such a difference both visually and mentally. I feel so much more at peace when I look at myself in the mirror every morning. I no longer see a “man” or “boy” even “femboy” --just my femme queen goddexx self. Of course it’s only one piece of the puzzle, but it has definitely lightened my gender dysphoria.
- Seventh, I’ve been experimenting much more with makeup! Even though it’s still super overwhelming with the amount of products and brands available, it’s been fun learning what does and doesn’t work on my face.
- Eighth, harassment and getting clocked has decreased a little bit. It’s definitely still there, but walking outside of my apartment isn’t as anxiety-inducing anymore, which is pleasant-- like, this is how it’s supposed to be, right?
- Ninth, I still have my spirals, ups, and downs, but my self-esteem is at an all-time high! I’ve never been so in-tune and loving towards myself than in this very moment.
Despite all the change that’s happened, I still have so so so much to learn and a lot of catching up to do! I’m still theoretically a “baby”, after all. I’m looking forward to seeing how my personal evolution further unfolds, as I know it’ll only get better from here. Positive thoughts and manifestations from here on out!
After all of that, I want to say… that I’m so proud of you, Yên! You have come such a long way. Who knew that 4-year-old you would finally be living out your dreams 20+ years later? I knew you weren’t wrong, and that there was nothing wrong with you… Just look at you now; all those doubts, haters, and bullies have nothing on you! Please continue to blossom and grow into the strong goddexx icon you wished you had 2 decades ago. Remember to show yourself and your loved ones gratitude and love for trusting and believing in you too. Continue to work hard so that current and future 4 year olds will have the opportunity to truly spread their colorful wings with open, loving arms.
Happy belated rebirthday beautiful, and to all of my trans/GNC/non-binary siblings reading this, too.
ps. I’ll have a cute announcement soon, so please stay tuned :P
Photography: Mary Kang