Current Mood: Happy :)
After years of living in darkness, I honestly never thought I would be able to experience happiness again.
The past couple of years have been constant mental and emotional spirals for me. I was so lost in life trying to navigate my gender identity, reassemble my shattered heart, exit a toxic relationship, reconfigure my career, and sustain a living in NYC as a new freelancer… All while battling the self-deprecation, anxiety, dysphoria, dysmorphia, insecurities, emotional trauma, discrimination and societal norms/issues that unfortunately accompanied everything. I felt worthless. My mental health was exhausted and in terrible shape and I honestly probably should’ve gone to therapy to help sort it all out. I probably should still go now, to be honest.
I hated everything and everyone (still think humans are the worst). I was super pessimistic and cynical about everything but in such a toxic and draining way. I tried my best to conceal and deal with this dark space on my own to not negatively affect anyone in anyway. I did my best, except for my parents.
My parents definitely felt the verbal outbursts of my bottled up anger and frustration with life-- which was never my intention, and for some reason completely uncontrollable. Despite my awareness, every time they would speak to me I would reply with so much angst and attitude that they 1000% did not deserve. Every time I reflect back on this period, I get so upset with myself and the way I treated them. So I just wanted to say sorry to my mom and dad, both of whom I love so much.
I’m so sorry mom and dad, for the way I treated you these past couple of years. I’m sorry you had to experience and see this person who I deeply regret letting take control. It was never my intention to hurt either of you in any way. I completely lost myself and was operating on a different wavelength, which is of course no excuse. As I know you both love and work so, so, so hard to provide the best for me and Anh Khoa. Neither of you deserved to feel my lashes of anger and I hope you both can forgive me for my past actions. Even though I never verbally express it, I love you both to the end of the universe. I’m super fortunate to have you as my family. Thank you so much for sticking by me during that dark period of mine.
Looking back, I never ever ever want to be that person again. Despite the hardships, I now know or at least have a better understanding of what I need/don’t need for a healthier and positive life. It’s kind of annoying that life constantly takes you through these trials to become a better and wiser person, basically for the rest of your life. I’m tired, life, give me a break please!
Although my mental restoration is still a work in progress and I no longer see the world in the same light, I can say with conviction that I no longer feel stuck in that depressive dark abyss. It took some time but hey, I’m back, new and improved, better and truer than ever before! Your femme queen goddess is here! So I also would like to say thank you so much to everyone who helped contribute to restoring my light. I owe so much to you all and your positive presence. You know who you are... I hope!
As of now, I’m really just working hard on manifesting my dreams and have so many exciting projects coming up that I can’t wait to share with everyone. I’m truly enjoying every moment and doing my best to live my best life during this period of happiness because who knows when I’ll fall out of it again? Life’s still a bitch, you know?
In 2018, it seems like everything is coming together—slowly but surely!
I finally feel the warm light of life glow within me again.
To all the people in my life, I love you all so much! Thank you.
x D
PS. Having this dress, the dress of my dreams, kind of also helps too... Isn’t it major? I mean look at this back detail and the thigh high slit!
Dress: Jacquemus | Shoes: Pleaser
Photography by dana di courci